Thursday, August 13, 2009

Loops

I find the moments lately to be like tiny pulls in a sweater, as the even surface of my life shifts. The girls are growing faster than my heart and mind can bear— first days of school, thank you's from a baby and the burgeoning countenance of a young woman. I trace my finger over the pulls, the once taut weave of helpless and able now loosened, ability mounting and futility rising.

I want to hold things back, keep the teeth from springing, the strides from lengthening. It's hard not to feel them pulling ever closer to the day when they'll parent their own children, turn doting eyes upon lovers rather than parents. I watch the lines upon my face, the smudges of age on my hands and the unwelcome sensation of wanting to rest and I know that it is beyond me/

They are my babies, that will not change, but my chest aches with how everything else is destined to end. Nursing, holding, fixing.

I've made no secret of choosing to see joy in this blessing of life with three girls. I find myself clasping Sean's hand, laying my head on his shoulder and whispering, "They're beginnings, right? Not endings?"

These pulls in my sweater are new stories, new loves, new ways, but at their start, they are my babies. My life.

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8 comments:

Adesta said...

Beautifully put Amanda! I have been having the same thoughts as my middle daughter gets ready to start preschool this fall. I could feel myself getting choked up while labeling and placing all her school supplies in her new book bag. She may be going to school and have a younger sister now, but she's still my baby girl.

Now excuse me while I go cry in the corner!!!

amanda said...

thank you for this. for always reminding me to stay in the moment. and for your beautiful words.

Heather said...

Exactly. I have to remind myself that they are beginnings too. Ms. D seems to be self-weaning. I think I'm nearing the end of nursing babies. It's bittersweet.

The White House said...

You are constantly challenging me to enjoy the moment. And constantly making me weep. Big crocodile tears!

flutter said...

One day my life will be as lovely and tactile and real and as hard won as yours.

you are a blessing

shiduri said...

Beautiful, poignant post.

Anonymous said...

Oh man, I am so right there with you.


But, how lucky we are to have them.

Kimberly

Colleen said...

Somehow you always seem to find the perfect words that describe just how I'm feeling. This is hard.

"They're beginnings, right? Not endings?"
Oh... how I just sobbed.