Tides

It's been more than a year since I wrote about the heartache of life's demands. It's actually the heartache of my own desires, but that is so hard to admit, isn't it? Whether you are a mom or a wife, a civil servant or a student, to admit when you desire to have something or do something that has nothing to do with altruism or good will, but really just comes down to this is what I want.

Sean and I have gone round after round about time, whether it's time for ourselves to work on projects unencumbered or to simply be together. He can say it without guilt or hesitation, "I miss my wife" or "I want some non-kid time." I can barely utter those words for fear of some imaginary rod coming down and branding me an irresponsible mom.

I've been trying to do better at things, a hair appointment here and a date there. The introduction of toddler Tuesday has been lifesaving as it gives me a kind of license to revel without overtly demanding something. Overall I think it's good and that I have things figured out and then something happens.

It came like a shot of lightning through a clear sky.

September.

Kindergarten.

Weaning.

No more babies.

It's July and come fall I'll have one daughter in kindergarten, one daughter in preschool and another experimenting with sentences and pedals. My perfect place as the axis of their world is shifting and, in an act of futile desperation, I am seizing a last wisp of ruffled nightgown and baby tendril.

Today was a blur of green sparkles and Elmer's glue, pear-juice laced kisses and laughter. I sidled along casting dollhouse shadows with faeries and scarves. With any luck I'll turn these last hours of now into days and as we hurtle into the first autumn of school days, I'll have left a trail of seeds that will be perennials, bright and showy. Forever.


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You'll Never Know

We were swaying to the lullabye, our reflection keeping time in the hazy mirror. I watched us, her hand on my arm sliding to and fro, her face drawn in a lazy smile, an expression of utter contentment on both our faces. I imagined her standing beside me, long limbs and taut muscles electric with ability and a life thick with things that have nothing to do with me. I squeeze her as I crane my face into press against her cheek.

Remember this baby, hold this squeeze for later.

She smiles and points, "Bay-bee. Uh bay-bee a mama!" I grin and point back. I step closer to the mirror and sharpen our reflection, my attempt to fill more of this sliver in time. Minutes being choked by days that turn into night and then morning before I know it. Longer necks, brighter eyes and the cruel slash of a perfectly pronounced word, "Ummmm, juice."

I felt myself deny the laptop and the emails it held, deciding instead to define this afternoon as more memory than accomplishment. We danced there before the mirror for a while. My hands cupped her body, the entire length of my arms at work cradling her long torso and legs. Her belly pressed into mine as she cocked her head to look back and forth between reflection and real.

"It's me. I am right here and right there. Right here holding you."

She softly shuffled her feet and shimmied her body closer into my arms. Tinier and closer.

"I'm always going to be your mama, sweet Fin. And you know what? You know what my littlest you?"

She extended her neck and waited, a grin upon her face as I pointed to the mirror.

"You will always, always, always be my baby, even when you are the biggest of all."

We smiled at each other and ourselves and I tried to imagine how this memory would taste years and years later. Like the traces of sugar on a wrapper, I think I'll find sweetness and dust and the tiniest sensation that i beat the system and got a little more.

I waited a while longer before laying her in the crib, though her eyes were drowsy and she was ready to go. I traced the dimples on her elbows and touched my lips to hers until I felt her start to giggle. Then I put her tenderly into her crib, whispering how much I loved her because you never know when it will be the last time.

On second thought

Found myself getting my overly-sensitive nose bent out of joint over things beyond my control. Again.

Does it amaze anyone else how we fall into self-defeating ruts, whether it's not working out, falling behind on chores or getting sucked into the vortex of giving a rip about who likes you and who takes you back to the meanies in fifth grade? I'm too old for this. I'm a parent, aren't we supposed to be beyond this people?

I have a handle on eating right, at least keeping complete pigstyness at bay and of practicing what I preach, but man alive the relationship dynamics get me.

Morose, blue, self-pitying and impotently pissed, that was me this morning. Gross.

Enter iPhoto, Fin and Sean.



Salvation.

So while I'd really prefer it weren't an issue, I'm going to ignore the clouds some people bring, and focus on the abundance of blue sky in my life.




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