Sunday, August 24, 2008

Sewn by murmurs and touch

There are neither the words to explain it, nor time enough to invent new ones to fill the void. Each of my girls has seeped into my very essence, blurring the lines between self and sensation, at times it is truly as if the love I feel is the person I am.

Briar, with her never-beforeness and utter princessness, took hold of me the moment they laid her in my arms.



Avery, with her shocking dark hair and striking almond eyes, arrived with an of course air, slipping into our routine and blazing her own trail.


I love them with a fierceness that threatens to consume me, and now there is Fin. I am desperate to put pen to paper, to preserve in perpetuity, how she touched me. I could tell you that the coolness of her skin, the familiar wet of her lips on my neck are my touchstones. I gauge each decision by how it will impact those lips, those eyes. I consider her, god help me, I weigh the world outside against the magic she holds, and not just for me, for each of us.


Fin has laced us together, in a look to Briar, a touch of Avery's nose and a gurgle sent pointedly in Sean's direction. We are like a tree's limb, weaving and bobbing through the current of a wending river, five leaves on one slender, yet gnarly branch. We bump rocks and shoulder winds, and though we skip about the water, we hold tight to our branch, the edges of each leaf touching another.


Fin is inside me and around me, and, as with her sisters, I will take my last breath trying to communicate how precious she is to me. How she was part of the march that led me to me.


Oh, my Fin, I am so glad that as you are you, I am your mama.

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16 comments:

Heather said...

She's beautiful...as are your words. I love that photo of her looking in the mirror.

flutter said...

They are lucky beyond words to have you.

Lindsay, Tony, and Madison said...

I found your blog a couple weeks ago, and after reading the first couple entries, I went back and read through all of your archives. You have such a beautiful talent for writing, and I find myself tearing up on most of your posts! I am due with my first child (a little girl) at the end of September, and reading your entries about your 3 absolutely gorgeous daughters makes me well up with tears of excitement. Realizing even more how much this little life is going to change mine! I wish I had the talent you have to write out the things I feel, but I guess I will just have to keep coming back and nodding in agreement with all of your posts!

meg duerksen said...

your girls are beautiful!

you put it into words what mothers feel.
i never know how to say what i feel. that's a gift.

you are blessed with a lovely family!
have a wonderful day today!

-meg

karen said...

Fin's hair in the last photo is absurd and wonderful! I admire the way you characterize each of your girls so that each is unique in your heart and yet somehow incomplete without her sisters.

Kimberly said...

I can't decide what is more beautiful here - the photos of your lovely daughters or your amazing words about them.

jen said...

good lord, sister, you slay me with this stuff.

amanda said...

seriously i just don't know how you do it...

beyond beautiful.

lucky and blessed to have you share your world.

the new girl said...

Oh, wow.

She looks like Avery, no?

So beautiful, your little family.
xo

Meredith said...

Oh boy, you are so good. I love, love, love your writing and how well you capture the essence of motherhood.

Amy said...

Okay you got me. Remember you said to watch out for some doosy posts in late summer/early fall. You did it, I am undone and a hormonal mess of a mama.

Trenches of Mommyhood said...

"We are like a tree's limb, weaving and bobbing through the current of a wending river, five leaves on one slender, yet gnarly branch. We bump rocks and shoulder winds, and though we skip about the water, we hold tight to our branch, the edges of each leaf touching another."

Oh Amanda, I love this. The five leaves. Yes. Us too.

Gretchen said...

You write so beautifully about your gorgeous, spirited daughters. You bring this very pregnant first-time mom to tears. Thank you for sharing your heart so freely.

Amy Y said...

That was beautiful ~ just as your babies are. They are lucky girls to be loved by a mama like you.

Binky said...

Makes me want to have another one (although not for a couple years).

Crystal D said...

Oh just check out Fin's hair, how adorable can one child be? She is just a bit of each of the other two isn't she!