Wednesday, April 23, 2008

I'll always catch you

I walked behind the wagon. Sean pulled the girls, Briar sitting in front and facing me, Avery craning her neck to watch me. The sky overheard taunted us with threats of rain, but we were undeterred, the girls wanted to swing. We arrived at the park and the girls scampered out of the wagon to run to touch the bright, shiny structures.

"Swings, mama, swings. A slide. Daddy a a slide. It's BLUE!"

"A slide. A swing. A-ree runnin', mama!"

We took turns shepherding the girls through the park, standing closer as they scaled the various rock climbing pieces and stepping back as they confidently darted across bridges and stairs. The balance was there, the girls aware we were there, but feeling unfettered.

Briar was climbing a particularly tricky rocky incline and I stepped over to help, my hand falling easily into the familiar cup shape I've always used to cradle her bottom. I lifted my hand to hold her, but she moved up, so I continued lifting my arm to be there if she faltered. The backs of her legs quivered, little tendons and muscles straining to lift her body, just as I felt her body touch my hand, she was gone, popping up and over the edge of the structure.

She leapt to the other side and I watched as she ran in a direct line, no careening from the momentum of her jump, no stumbling with nerves as she neared the edge. She ran between the rails as if she'd cavorted on this playground every day for a year, instead of twice in the last 8 months.

Her pale legs poked delicately out of her madras shorts, strong calf muscles winking at me as she ran, her form growing smaller as her legs carried her farther and farther from me. Looking down at my hands I sighed, large veins criss cross my hands, scars dot my knuckles, and creases map the outsides of my hands in a way they didn't before. My reverie was broken as Briar darted back into view. Her legs are covered in bruises and scratches, some new with stories still untold, while others chronicle spills in the yard and banged-in-stroller-derby explosions. A year ago the map of her experiences was not so bold, there were less scabs and bruises, a smaller library. All mine.

Briar was on top of the slide now, one hand gently touching Avery, I placed a hand on my belly and smiled. They stayed a perfect portrait before launching down the slide and sprinting across the park. The baby kicked and my hand rubbed her, a familiar cradling motion facing inward. My eyes burned as the enormity of what lay ahead hit. Briar will start preschool in the fall, she'll climb these structures without me. She'll come home filled with breathless stories and new aspirations, and as her legs swing beneath her stool, the kisses of the day she has had will blossom in brilliant purples and greens and yellows, and as familiar as her little body will always be to me, the intimacy of her story will become more and more her own. To share, nor not.

My hands will always return to cradle and catch her, long after the daughter within me has retraced the ascent of her sisters and climbed beyond my reach, still I'll stand, ready to catch them. Dying to touch them. And knowing that even as I feel hollow, the precious badge of having given them flight will sit firmly in the creases of my hands.

Oh, Briar, you will always be my first.

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Amy Y said...

She'll always be special because she was your first... I think the first bears the brunt of our trials and tribulations... testing as parents to find a perfect balance. But they have the priviledge of quality time like no other!

The second is special, too ~ they enjoy a certain level of parental confidence that wasn't there the first time around. But don't get the alone time the first got. They never have to experience what life was like without a sister or brother to share it with.

I'm anxious to live vicariously through you as you experience a new relationship with your third baby... A feeling I'll likely never know.

How exciting, your journey lying ahead is! I feel lucky to get to experience it, through the internet anyway, with you. :)

Amanda said...

What a beautiful post:)
Hope you don't mind me commenting on your page.
I have boys and their legs are so covered in bruises too, but thats a sign of a happy kid who has had lots of fun playing and climbing.

Isn't it amazing how quick pre-school has come around?

Looking forward to reading about your little new girl coming along very soon.

Warm Wishes,

Amanda x

Amy said...

You said this wouldn't happen until the fall, but alas you've got me in tears. Beautiful.

chelle said...

You leave me wanting just one more .... maybe ...

Ashleigh said...

I must insist you refrain from writting such beautiful stories. I can only cry so much, and now its getting rediculous! ;-)

Tabitha said...

What beautiful words ~ as a mother they really tugged at my heart.
Time does move by so quickly and we have no choice but to rush along with it.
I love reading your blog and will be back to visit soon.
Warmest wishes,
Tabitha X

Heather said...

No matter how old they get, they'll always be our babies won't they?

Cheryl said...

Beautiful, Amanda. I feel sorry for the mothers who don't shed tears over the constant growing of their kids. How shallow their experiences must be. I'd rather feel the joy and the pain of life. I imagine I'll be a bit of a blubbering mess when Ben starts preschool. He climbs a ladder now at the playground, and I get weepy.

crazymumma said...


Anonymous said...

Great post!

Colleen said...

So beautiful.

flutter said...

and a special one, she is.

Just like her mama.

Lisa said...

I swear, you write the words that all of us think but are unable to express in the eloquent, beautiful way that you can. Again, I am left teary, because as you explain your journey of motherhood and your love for your girls, it's like looking in a mirror, seeing my journey with my girls. Thank you!

carrie said...

She is just as fearless as my firstborn, who I still want to stand under and catch - even though he's in the 5th grade.

It just never ends. Thank you for this.