Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Like Lucy at the chocolate factory

Bedtime was a bitch tonight. Seriously, it had all the makings of a great comedy, except that I was living it. Let's just do a quick bulleted run-down, shall we?

Ok, not bulleted, because I can't make bullets.

Avery begins a relentless episode of plaintively calling, "Mommy?" at dinner.

I begin a series of futile attempts to retrieve what she wants.

Much emphatic head shaking and disappointed declarations of, "NO!"

I pass responsibility to Sean.

Avery begins the routine anew.

Sean chooses not to engage.

Avery is sent to bed.

Curtain down on dinner, commence bedtime routine.

Briar climbs in the crib with Avery, Avery climbs out of the crib.

Avery empties every drawer in her room.

Briar begs for me to put Avery in the crib.

I explain Avery doesn't want to be in the crib yet.

Briar pleads, Avery screams, "No."

Briar asks if she is pooping, I say I don't know.

She says she thinks she is.

I rush her to the potty, Avery cuts in front of us.

I swallow several four letter words.

Briar gets on the potty, her underwear do not escape unscathed.

Avery squawks about poop.

Avery grabs a razor from the sink.

Briar tries to wipe, "Uh oh, mom...."

I grab the razor with one hand and fix Briar's issue with the other.

Avery sprints from the room, I call for Sean.

Sean takes Briar to bed, I take Avery to her room.

Avery wants to nurse, but forgets that teeth aren't necessary.

I swallow more four letter words.

Avery begins to nod off.

Knocking downstairs, Sean keeps reading.

I peek through the window, it's a client.

"Sean, Rosa is here."

He leaps up, promising to be right back.

Briar is quiet.

Avery sleeps.

Sean moves around downstairs, the 100 year old crank doorbell sounds.

Briar asks who it is.

Avery stirs.

Voices.

Patient, silent waiting.

More voices.

More waiting.

"Mom?"

"Shh, Dad'll be right back."

More waiting.

"Does anyone wanna read me A Fly Went By?"

"Shh, Dad is coming right up."

Avery stirs.

Briar runs in, "Can ya just put this sticker in the trash?"

I tale the proffered piece of withered paper, Avery looks into my eyes.

"Shh, back to sleep Ave, back to bed Bri."

Pitter patter of feet and the squeak of an old bed.

Avery falls asleep and Briar is quiet.

Sean returns.

Avery wakes and bites me. I choked on a big god damnit.

Sean and Briar whisper next door.

Avery claws at my breast, kneading herself to sleep.

I wait and then put her in bed.

Downstairs, quickly joined by Sean.

Peace.

"Mom, can I pee? Can I pee. MOM CAN I PEE?"

"Did she pee?"

"Yes, she peed."

"CAN. I. PEE?"

"She peed."

"I have to pee. Pee. I have to pee, mom!"

Sigh. Upstairs, Briar meets me at the door.

"Mom, I'm gonna pee."

"Ok."

Avery wakes and immediately begins howling.

"Am I poopin?"

"No, but I think mama is?"

"You're poopin, mama?"

"No, mama was being silly. Mama's just crackin."

Stumble Upon Toolbar

14 comments:

slouching mom said...

Good God, woman, if you weren't pregnant, I'd offer you a drink. Or several.

Colleen said...

We had one of those days here too. It started out with Zoe falling flat on her face. It ended with a glass of wine for me.

Pgoodness said...

Ah, those days. I felt like I was there with you, if it's any consolation!

Crystal said...

Oh Mama. That was a night. Sometimes I think dinner until bedtime is harder than the rest of the day all added up and multiplied by 10.

mammacheryl said...

I don't think I could have held back the four letter words. The patience of a saint, woman. A freakin' saint.

Angela said...

Oh my God, I know about those nights. You want to run away to a place where no one says "Mommy" and the sand is warm, the drinks are cold and brought by Brad Pitt's double, oh hell, since it's a fantasy, by Brad himself.

The Hotfessional said...

Ouch! Poor baby. I hope you all get to take nice cuddly naps today.

cce said...

There have been whole days when I thought that just one more plaintive, needy "Mommy" might send me over the edge. I usually find it most impossible when My Better Half is home and not engaging. So I know there's another adult in the house who just refuses to bail me out.
I'm glad you have a spouse that does his share!

Janet said...

Yeah, that was a tough one.
Hope tonight goes better.

Amy Y said...

That WAS a doozie! The good thing about nights like that is that it helps you appreciate the good ones mores? Or something.
Hope tonight is/was better...

BetteJo said...

Yeah, there ARE those days, aren't there?

painted maypole said...

oh, that is hard.

(we like A Fly Went By, too!)

sha said...

I am loving the new preggers amanda. Every post used to be peotry, and while that was beautiful, seeing this side of you on the tumble is fun. "Bed time was a bitch"made me smile, and reassued me that you are not entirely made of rainbows and sunshine.

Christine said...

dear god what night mare! been there, babe. been there.