Monday, November 05, 2007

Keeping Me Up at Night

Lest I mislead you into believing that the only reason I am ever up at night is to tend to toddlers agonized by molars and night terrors, there are a few things you ought to know about the inner workings of my mind. I suspect that my sweet husband is rolling his eyes right now, but that's ok, I'm willing to wager there are more than a few of you out there who are plagued by demons similar to those I'm about to share...if not, humor me and leave comments like you know what I mean, ok?

Ok, so I know I am not a tiny person, standing 5'10" in stocking feet and having a muscular build, Sean is over 6', also with a muscular build, but it's not like we are enormous. Why, why, why do the cushions in our furniture become permanently dented within a month of purchase? I flip, I fluff, I perch lightly, daintily, even, but still they sink.

Are beds not made for cuddling or are people our size not supposed to cuddle? I know there are people bigger than we are, but does everyone just accept that beds will get a massive slope in them causing you to roll to the middle or sit high on a perch just near the edge of the bed?

Why does the hair that is constantly falling from my head land in the sink and not on the bathroom floor? It would be so much easier to sweep the floor and it would be a hell of a lot less noticeable to certain male people in our household that live in constant exasperation with the long strands of hair that fall hither and thither.

Are there underwire bras that manage to keep the wire from poking out and puncturing your sternum?

Why will our cat not eat kibble unless a fresh layer is set before him at each of his 57 intervals of grazing throughout the day?

Why does the dog take the kibble out of her bowl, place it on the floor and then eat it from the floor?

Why have I never lived in a place where the mail is delivered before 3:30 in the afternoon? What's it like to get your mail first thing?

Why do fruit flies seem to appear even when I am staying on top of the produce?

Does anyone really make it through one of those giant sized jar of pickles, or does everyone push them to the back of the fridge until the eventually just chuck them?

Do you think anyone has ever considered creating a garbage bag that has a substance, maybe like the foam they use in floral arrangements, to catch the 2 quarts of obscene fluids that seem to gather and leak through the bottom of the bag no matter how dry the garbage you put in originally was?

When they made the decision to start sewing the toys into packaging in addition to the tape, twist ties, shrink wrap and steel like plastic casing were they just trying to f*ck with us parents?

So, really, do you wonder about these things too?

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Colleen said...

I can totally see how those things keep you up at night.

Christine said...


Ashleigh said...

Ha Ha, I totally have the HUGE jar of pickles in my fridge. And yes, it is shoved all the way to the back, in fact I don't remember the last time I even had one...

mammacheryl said...

I have two jars of pickles. They moved with us last winter.

The Hotfessional said...

Um. Get out of my head! Ack. When did you learn to read minds? Why are my thoughts keeping you up at night? I mean, only one of us should suffer.

Seriously, that furniture thing? My couch is barely a year old. I only have two cushions that I can flip over because of the way it's shaped. Don't you know those two cushions are flat where Mr. Hot's ass (okay, and mine too) have pancaked them?

And the cat? I finally out smarted him. Stick your hand in the bag, but bring it out empty and closed. Stir randomly the food that is already in his bowl. He'll *think* you put fresh on top.

And the dog? Ours not only takes it out of the bowl, but carries it into the living room to eat it in front of the freakin' television!

We won't even discuss the hair thing.

But the bra? Victoria's Secret. IPEX. Seriously. The wires on mine haven't broken through ever and I've had some of them for years. They come in bright yellow, too!

cce said...

Yup, the toy thing drives me crazy. It's China's way of shooting us the middle finger on X-mas day.

painted maypole said...


BetteJo said...

*smiling!* oh - not in a patronizing way. You're just making me laugh.

pgoodness said...

Oh yes, these things and more! The fruit flies - KILLING ME, and the toys - yes, they're screwing with us and my best advice - kitchen shears. They cut through nearly everything!

I have ALWAYS wanted my mail first thing...

Mrs. Chicken said...

"Why does the dog take the kibble out of her bowl, place it on the floor and then eat it from the floor?"

OMG this made me laugh!

As for the mail, I have never in my life gotten mail before 3 p.m.


ps - I always eat the whole jar of pickles. Always.

Lisa Milton said...

I hate that toy torture too and I place the blame on all the shoplifters out there. I swear that when I worked at Borders, folks would come and steal things that weren't secured. Hell, they'd steal anyway, with foil and wire cutters. I'm not kidding.

So, thieves have ruined Christmas morning. Bad, bad finger-numbing thieves. (And so concludes my 'I don't like shoplifters' speech.)

Heather said...

My hair tends to fall out in the bathtub, which plugs the drain and drives my husband insane.

We don't get the giant jar of pickles, but we maybe should. My husband and kids eat them constantly. And they're not even the pregnant ones.

Our mail is delivered by 11 a.m. most days. It's pretty cool. Unless it's bills. Then it's not so cool.

Kerry said...

haha! Thank goodness our mail come sometime between 11am and 12pm cause on Friday's I'm out there as quick as I can to get my People magazine. It would be old news by 3:30Pm :)

Anonymous said...

There's some sort of conspiracy out there to make Christmas morning wonderful for the kids, but to make it pure torture for we poor parents who, instead of calmly sipping our coffee and watching our angelic children as they play peacefully with their new toys, get to wrestle with 74 seperate toy packages while our children cry for us to hurry in the background. Nice.

Kelly said...

If my mail comes before 5:00pm, I faint.

As for pickles, I'm a bread and butter type gal, so if any giant pickles are floating away in their brine with no one to savor them, it's all my husband's fault.

Blogversary said...

Pickles- only when pregnant have gone through such quantities.

Angela said...

I definitely agree with you on everything, especially the pickles and the diabolical wrapping of toys, that one drives me insane!

Gloria said...

*gasp* You can read minds!

I'm as annoyed as you with the hair issue, the underwire bras issue, dog eating on the floor (I give my man's dog other than biscuit to eat, which it conveniently drag away from the dogplate to munch. Repeat 40 times.). And garbage bag! Which is why I live the garbage to men. I couldn't be bothered to handle that stress. Haha.

Kimberly said...

I share many of the same thoughts.

The other side of the street gets its mail around 10 in the morning. Ours never arrives before 2 pm. So annoying.