Tuesday, September 08, 2009

Is that you?

I have been feeling it for some time now, but like the unwanted stare of a stranger, I have turned away, denying it. I have felt the gentle, yet persistent tug, but have been unwilling to face it. This hand that beckons grips me without touching, it is pointing rather than pulling.

I move forward with the days concentrating on keeping pace, not getting ahead or anticipating. It seems enough to offer just enough resistance to keep from speeding, so fast have these last few years been. No one seems to be bothering me with this uncharacteristic slowness, no one is asking me to hurry.

Today it hit me that they are unworried because they are not here. No one is watching or judging. I've fallen behind of my own will. I can stay here, but it is no more a victory than the runner who does not lose for never entering the race.

And there it is again, that feeling, small and familiar, but stronger than before. This time it's pulling me and I know I cannot recoil. This is love and life. Briar is asking me to go with her, to celebrate and join her in today. Now.

My perfect, little, baby Briar is ready and if I am to keep from missing it, I have to go. It's time for school.




She is ready because of me, not in spite of me. I wish this success didn't make me feel as if I were splitting down the middle. I am so proud of her.




.

Stumble Upon Toolbar

10 comments:

Jenn said...

"She is ready because of me, not in spite of me."

Love, love, love this line.

And going to repeat it to myself constantly.

Myshka said...

What a journey you've had. And in so many ways its only just begun.

Tyne said...

Sigh. I was just thinking today, how thankful I am that my oldest, Avery, won't be five until October. Now I have one more year to enjoy her. Thanks for the constant encouragement, you are a true friend.

Amy said...

I'd just like to second that: "she is ready because of me.." so lovely and beautiful and true.

And so begins the next chapter.

thecheekofgod said...

What Jenn said . . .

I almost lost my breath . . .

flutter said...

She is ready and is one singular, beautiful soul of your creation

Heather said...

I have every confidence that your girls will be ready for ANYTHING because of YOU.

moredayslikethisplease said...

My fingers keep scrolling up to the photo of the three of you! One can almost feel the love oozing from it! There is no doubt that Briar is ready - and it is definitely because of you! Here's to a good, no GREAT year!

teri said...

Beautiful, simply beautiful. My throat has that pulling, closing sensation I feel when I'm touched to the point of tears. Thank you for always being able to put into words what we so much want to say, but can't.
My little guy started Kindergarten last month - I feel your pain/excitement!
http://myfairytaleistrue.blogspot.com/2009/08/big-day.html

Adesta said...

This is exactly how I felt when my middle daughter started pre-k this past week.

I don't want to blink in fear that the baby will be off to high school....