Monday, July 13, 2009


It's been more than a year since I wrote about the heartache of life's demands. It's actually the heartache of my own desires, but that is so hard to admit, isn't it? Whether you are a mom or a wife, a civil servant or a student, to admit when you desire to have something or do something that has nothing to do with altruism or good will, but really just comes down to this is what I want.

Sean and I have gone round after round about time, whether it's time for ourselves to work on projects unencumbered or to simply be together. He can say it without guilt or hesitation, "I miss my wife" or "I want some non-kid time." I can barely utter those words for fear of some imaginary rod coming down and branding me an irresponsible mom.

I've been trying to do better at things, a hair appointment here and a date there. The introduction of toddler Tuesday has been lifesaving as it gives me a kind of license to revel without overtly demanding something. Overall I think it's good and that I have things figured out and then something happens.

It came like a shot of lightning through a clear sky.




No more babies.

It's July and come fall I'll have one daughter in kindergarten, one daughter in preschool and another experimenting with sentences and pedals. My perfect place as the axis of their world is shifting and, in an act of futile desperation, I am seizing a last wisp of ruffled nightgown and baby tendril.

Today was a blur of green sparkles and Elmer's glue, pear-juice laced kisses and laughter. I sidled along casting dollhouse shadows with faeries and scarves. With any luck I'll turn these last hours of now into days and as we hurtle into the first autumn of school days, I'll have left a trail of seeds that will be perennials, bright and showy. Forever.


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Adesta said...

I know how you feel. My oldest two will be starting 2nd grade and pre-k. And although that leaves the baby at home with Grandma for another 3 1/2 years, it seems like if I blink, she'll be in school too.

And don't feel bad about wanting time with the hubby or by yourself without the kids. I want that often enough myself.

Myshka said...

You may not get enough moments in your day, but the moments that you do get are laced with pear juice kisses. That is pure gold dust. You guys are about to enter a new chapter, a new challenge, a new layer of magic and frustration and bliss. And you'll manage it beautifully, my strong friend.

nicole said...

i'm right there with you. My 3 girls are all roughly the same age as yours. I find myself thinking "i can't wait until they are all in school so I can have some time to do what i want" & then I feel extremely guilty when I realize i will never get these days back. Your blog helps me to remember to enjoy the little things & slow it down a bit. Thanks!

BetteJo said...

Oh it does go by so fast, but I swear you revel in the whole babyhood/childhood season of your kids lives more than anyone around! I hope you will always be satisfied with the love you give to your kids. But - date night with dad is also a good example for them - show them you love daddy enough to want to spend time alone with him. The example of a loving relationship between mommy and daddy is one of the best gifts you can give your kids.

(tell Sean he owes me 10 bucks.)

Heather said...

No matter how much you dote and revel in your kids, they grow up and you miss the days gone by. I think it's a requirement of motherhood. Darn it.

I'll have 2 in elementary school by the end of this month. Sob!

flutter said...

I wish I had words for you, other than you are beautiful and so is your life

Janet said...

I have no trouble demanding time to myself. But the guilt, oy.

I'm contemplating a return to full time work in September. And it's freaking me the hell out.

Crystal D said...

I think the leaves are going to change color before I know it. Thanks for reminding me to soak up the chaos before it is just me and the babe for the long day.
I honestly can't imagine "me" time without the guilt. Maybe that is just the way we are made so it doesn't pass us by too easily, that time we can't get back.

Kimberly said...


I so feel you on this (just blogged with a similar theme yesterday). Kindergarten is looming for us in the fall, my youngest will be in preschool five mornings a week . . . how is this possible? They were JUST born.

Alexandra said...

I discovered your blog at Breedemandweep and have enjoyed reading excerpts, seeing you in a place I was over thirty years ago, only I was trying to do my best by my three children in a foreign country. How wonderful this blogging community that has sprung up to embrace young mothers! Mothering is so very important. You are giving your children a gift by being home with them, but you do need to think of yourselves as well, so I echo what BetteJo said regarding nights out with your husband and recommend going back to work as soon as the kids are old enough in order to feel fulfilled later on. Don't feel guilty. You all are fortunate to have job options. In France, mine were limited.

Angela said...

Oh but the time does pass so quickly

This Heavenly Life said...

That was lovely!