Sportin' a Skirt

Being pregnant can present a number of challenges, not the least of which is the monumental task of getting dressed in the morning. You genuinely don't know from one morning to the next what will fit. I have finally started to show and am in what I affectionately call the "fat chick at the bar" stage. My apologies to any portly bar flies who might be reading this. What I mean is that I am not obviously pregnant to folks that don't know me and because I have a paralyzing aversion to the sailor collar, bell shirt, and general "Look at me, I am with child and virginal looking at the same time" style of maternity clothing, I end up wearing larger sizes of normal clothing or simply let clothing get a little snug.

I am proud of my bump. Proud to be pregnant. Proud to be proud of it all.

I am very aware, after having been pregnant over a summer, that there are people that would prefer us pregnant folk stay in a private tent or do everything possible to conceal the fact that we are pregnant. A person we know here in town who is from the city was talking with us one day when we were pregnant with Briar and he said that pregnancy makes people in these parts nervous because it means you've had sex. We laughed, but I do think that there is a bit of truth to that statement. I often say that I don't mean to be new-agey (because I "often say" it should I be worried that I am a little new agey?) Anyway, not to be new agey, but, I think pregnancy is amazing.

It's the miracle of life people.

So, while I crack wise about my growing size, I love nothing more than to relax at home at night just holding my belly, rubbing the skin and imagining the little person inside of me. I love when Sean comes over and says in a goofy voice with his lips pressed against my belly, "Hello baby. Hello." I delight in Briar lifting my shirt, pointing and touching my belly button and giggling. I love the sensation of being in bed reading and turning to one side and realizing that I need to adjust for the life inside of me. I like the responsibility, love the magic.

I don't really love the in between part when, quite honestly, you just feel like nothing fits right and that you don't belong in the maternity shops nor do you belong in the regular department stores. But I don't want to throw in the towel. Just wearing a man's shirt is not the answer, that's like wearing fat clothes with a nice shiny pin. C'mon, you can't give up on your body until it suits you. We have to live for every minute. Don't procrastinate.

I have started working out with a co-worker at the Civic Center next door to my work. Another co-worker is going to start in January. She says she needs to get through the holidays. Bet you there'll be another something to make it past in January before she starts.

This is your life. Today, right now. You have to go for it, whether that means leaving your job or tucking in your shirt, don't waste a single precious moment.

Wow, I am getting dizzy up here on this soap box.

But seriously, I don't want to waste time. Just like with Briar. We have made a concerted effort to not say,

"I can't wait until she - insert accomplishment, age, whatever-"

We are relishing each step, each day, each part of the journey. This first year has taught us that it does really go by too fast.

The point...ah, yes, the point.

I put on a skirt today. A real live skirt with nylons. And just to show you how out of the norm this is...God this killed me, Briar is just so cute and so direct.

I put on the skirt and my shirt and then went downstairs with Briar to get breakfast set and to retrieve my nylons. She was standing in front of me as I pulled the nylons up over my legs and arranged the waist band on my belly so that it wouldn't bother me.

Briar was watching my hands and looking at my legs. She came over and ran one hand along my leg. Big eyes, sweet smile. Then both hands were rubbing the shiny, nylon smooth surfaced of my legs. This was a total revelation to her. Such a smooth feeling. She looked up at me with utter delight. I have never felt so beautiful in my life. That little move on Briar's part made me remember how it felt growing up to see my mom put blush on, or apply eye liner. The way she would leave a delicate trail of "dressed up" smell. The magical sound she made when walking in heels. The same way that all the books say that working helps balance moms, so too does dressing up. This isn't about "saving your marriage" or "playing the part" this is about being well-rounded, about continuing to be all the different parts that make up who you are.

I need to remember, we need to remember, that in the same way that we make sure to enjoy each day of Briar's life, we need to enjoy each day of ours. As we can we need to continue to do things that may seem out of reach. We went for a snowy walk on Thanksgiving morning. It was not a total success, but we tried, ya know. I think all things considered we are doing a pretty good job of balancing things. So, I am going to continue my day, in my skirt, with my silky legs.

:)

Giving Thanks

Wednesday my boss sent me home from work at 4, "Happy Thanksgiving," he said.

Sean had my car as he had planned to pick Briar up early- we bought a forward facing seat a few weeks back and it lives in my car. It was cold, but not wet so I decided to walk home.

I stepped outside my office, zipped up my coat, tucking my scarf in tight under my chin and started on my way. I took the main road, looking around and breathing in the energy that was charging through everyone around me - "HOLIDAY. VACATION. HOLIDAY. VACATION. FAMILY. FAMILY. FAMILY."

I can't remember the last time it felt as if everyone in the world was just in synch. I don't know if it is a product of the times we are living in, or just the climate here in Glens Falls, but I honestly believe that everyone here needed, and was sincerely grateful for, the break. In the office today everyone has been gushing about how perfect the break was.

I let the walk take a little longer than normal. Sean had called to let me know that he and Briar were going down for a nap right before I left work. When I reached our street I looked at our house, took a deep breath and said a silent prayer hoping that the coming days would recharge us and give us the family time we have so sorely been needing.

Someone definitely heard me. Our little family had the sweetest, most fulfilling time together. We laughed, we played, we read stories, ate snacks, played games, sang songs, cuddled, visited with friends, took walks and just cherished one another.

I have so many stories and long to share them, but will have to wait until later.

I hope that anyone reading this felt a bit of the same magic of family and contentment over the weekend that we did.

I'll pop in again soon to tell a story or two.

I didn't mean it that way.

Ever feel like you end up saying or thinking, "I didn't mean it that way," a hell of a lot more than is ok?

Sean and I have been on parallel paths for a while now, and by parallel I don't mean side by side or together, I mean doing separate activities at the same time.
It's necessity.
It's owning a small business.
It's being parents of a toddler.
It's the reality of living in today's world.

And above all that, it sucks.

I miss him. He misses me. Briar misses him. It all translates to everybody being frustrated. Why is it that when what you want the most is to hug or talk or just be together little things getting the way and you find yourself with a mouthful of: "I didn't mean it that way!"?

I don't have TIVO, but if I understand it correctly you can stop a live television program and then restart it as it suits you. Wouldn't this help in life?

You're sitting there, someone says something or looks at something or whatever and you go -

ZZZPPTT. Pause!

And you take a deep breath or you explain to yourself "I know that what I am hearing, seeing or feeling is absolutely not what is really happening," or, "Hey, sunshine, don't say that thing that is on the tip of your tongue cause it will cease to feel good before it even reaches the other person's ears. You'll hurt yourself desperately jerking to retrieve the words and stuff them back down your gullet."

Then you restart the program. No harm, no foul.

But no, we live in a world that allows us to sabotage ourselves by bursting out and saying something that only buries us that much deeper in whatever is bothering us.

Where is this all coming from you say?

Last night we had gotten Briar down for the night. Sean didn't have to go back to work. We were going to hang out, spend some time together. We had been having trouble getting in synch, but we were finally back on track. He innocently sat at the computer and started to type in an address with a smile on his face-

www.lifewith

"What are you doing?" I practically screeched.

"Checking to see..."

"When would I have had time? There's nothing there. We have clean laundry. There are no dirty dishes, but I haven't done an entry."

His shoulders fell and he started to say something about thinking I enjoyed writing and that he thought it made me feel so good afterwards.

My emotions got so tangled up I couldn't explain what I was feeling. Of course I want to write. I am so proud of my family and my life. I love how I feel after I do it, but there has just been so much to do with him working 8am-12am shifts for weeks on end. You know what came out? I am embarrassed to even repeat it.

"I am pregnant you know. I have to sleep once all the house work is done and Briar is settled because I sure don't get any naps."

God it just hung there, more harsh than a direct slap to his face would have been.

"I didn't mean it that way!
I just want to sit in your lap, kiss your forehead and hold your hand."
That's what was in my head. That's what my heart was wishing I could say. But of course that was not what real life scripted.

Sean and I are incredibly lucky because at some point between getting engaged and getting married we committed. We made that decision that you have to make and really believe in, to face down anything in order to stay together.
You have to swallow your pride, you have to admit when you are wrong, you have to go against every instinct your prideful self sometimes throws at you in order to really commit to making it work. And I have to say it is the most rewarding decision we have ever made. I'll be the first to admit that I hate, literally hate, admitting that I am wrong. But knowing that on the other side of that awful feeling is a hug, or better yet the laughter you share with someone you love when you realize you conquered the obstacle and can get back to loving each other helps me swallow my pride every time. Or it gives me the strength to say things I know won't be easy for him to hear.

Last night we ended up talking. Though Sean gets credit because I was going to let us lie awake in stormy silence. He reached for me and apologized. He didn't need to do that, but he got the ball rolling for us and before long we were working from the script that had us saying what we really meant, what we really felt, and what we needed to lead us back to each other.

No one said it was going to be easy. They didn't say how sweet it would be either. Loving Sean makes me a better person and makes my life a richer experience. I am so grateful that we are smart enough to see the value in what we have together and work through whatever comes our way.

This morning we rode to work together. When we arrived at the sitter's we turned to look at Briar and she was sitting completely upright in her seat, her little coat hood up in an elfin way, with her eyes closed. She was asleep. She looked so impossibly perfect. We just sat there grinning at her.
Briar is what has come from our commitment. There is no greater affirmation of our efforts than that perfect little person.



Hey, don't take everything so seriously!




I mean it. Look at me, life is fun.





Maybe you should get a pair of pink moccasins. They are pretty fun.

Conflicted

I have a little bit of guilt about my posts of late. There is of course still so much about Briar that I want to write about.

My god, the pace of her development right now is staggering.
I swear sometimes it feels like she grows physically by the minute and her character is just exploding each day.

Our schedules are just so crazy right now. We get up between 6:30 and 7 (by we, I kind of just mean me.) Sean has been working until midnight and Briar prefers to sleep in. Anyway, get up, shower, get dressed, slip downstairs to make coffee and then wake Sean and Briar. Sean showers while Briar and I go down and get breakfast. Sean comes down around 8, we slurp coffee between anticipating where Briar's banana and peanut butter smeared hands are going to try and land, either on a stainable surface or on something she just shouldn't have. We have to leave by 8:30. Then work. Then quick lunch with Briar, back to work. Five o'clock comes, go get Briar, home by 5:45. Tend to the dogs, turn on lights, set up a snack then start dinner. We do dinner around 6:30 and then by 7:15 it's up to wash up, read bedtime stories and then put Briar down for the night. It literally feels like minutes that we get to spend with her. Then between trying to do dishes/laundry and trying to heed the demands of my pregnant body it's time for bed.
Can't seem to find the time. But then I think, gosh Manda, you're really going to wish you had taken the time to say, "Briar has started walking backwards. Yup. She just stops what she's doing and walks backwards." That is the kind of story she is going to love hearing, and the notes will trigger such rich memories. So I am trying to jot things down.
All this and I still am not going to do a long entry. Sean is home now. So I am going to actually go to the bed at the same time as my husband. I hope I'll get back to longer entries. Until then, more Briar pics.

Note her passion for peanut butter sandwiches. (She gets that from me.)















God I love her.

Proud Mama

Sean is in Albany for work.
Briar is upstairs asleep.
I'm bored, but not feeling inspired to write.

Brace yourself for a ton of pictures that just make me smile.
Blurry. Silly. Uneventful.

Perfectly delightful. I am just completely, totally, impossibly infatuated with her.









G'night.

Magee Visit

Hangin' with Dad and Pop at Davidson's.



Getting away from the crowd to go and spend some quality time with her "love at first sight" Pooh Bear. Thank you Nancy! Stay tuned for Eyore pics.



Nothing like house guests. She does love an audience. Thanks to Mary Ellen for the darling bench in the foreground!



"I love Kelsey!" Briar simply worships her aunt. Nothing more needs to be said. Thanks for letting me take that nap while you watched her Kels.



Pretty fond of her tall uncles too.


Getting the noodles in is tough, but fun. Lots of fun.



Beginning to be able to move forward, dance and squeal all at once.

Daddy's Girl

More pictures from Sunday by the river.
Yesterday's pictures were posted in their
original size so they take a while to load.
Enjoy.


Scouting for acorns with Dad.


Sharing clover with Dad.


Tasting the clover.

By The River With Briar

Looking at the water.



Catching leaves in the water with a stick.



Having a tree hug!

More Pictures

Briar in the apple orchard parking lot scouting rocks.



Here I am picking apples.



Our Halloween treat.