Anniversorry

Yup. I blew it. Yesterday was our two year anniversary.

"Deedley-Beep, " went my phone.

"Let a guy buy ya a cup of anniversary joe?" he says with playful air.

"Ah, crap." I said without hitting the talk button, my head lowered, eyes closed, feeling like failure and it wasn't even 10am. My co-workers were shocked I hadn't remembered. More still when they asked how many years it had been and I had to think. Please! We were together several years before we got married and in the 2 that we have been married we have bought and renovated a house, changed jobs 2x, started a business, had a baby and generally just done way more than you can really believe. Doesn't seem possible it's only been 2 years.

I kept promising myself I'd pull something together by the end of the day. The hours just kept slipping through my fingers like the finest grains of sand.

C'mon, though, why did we have to get married so soon after Father's Day. Damn, I just wasn't thinking about that back then. Just last week I was feeling like super-incredible wife/mom after getting a super cool techno gadgety thing for Sean. I did not buy him clothes or something dorky that I wanted. I listened, planned, researched, agonized and then did it. So proud of myself. Then I totally dropped the anniversary ball.

In my defense (or just to explain) I am certifiably bad with dates and details. Sean can remember what I was wearing on such and such date in our history, or things I said. He has an incredible memory. I am lucky if I remember the year we met. I am envious of his ability to recall personal details. It's not because I don't care that I can't, I just store different information. Granted some of it is useless celebrity trivia or calorie counts of food products, but there are other things that come in handy. None come to mind right at this moment, but they do exist.

Struggling to think of something...How about remembering to tuck an allergy pill in his pocket? Or stowing food in the car for trips? Sometimes I come through by scrounging together ingredients for an impromptu gift for someone. I remember pretty non-romantic practical stuff.

Ok, so I am not sentimental with dates, but I am quick with a compliment or sweet nothings whispered in his ear. I have saved every card he has ever given me. Until Hotmail deleted them all, I had saved every email he ever sent me. And there were a lot after our two years of x-country living. Anyway, back to my monumental failure last night.

I had suggested take out from our favorite dive bar, but it was just so damn hot and sticky that it wasn't appealing. We had gone for a run and Briar was out cold. So I offered to hit the store for salad fixin's, nice and cold, right? I got home and put chicken to saute on the stove and saw our neighbors out on their porch. It was about 7. We had been meaning to talk to them about helping with our dogs, so I thought I'd dash over and get it taken care of. Well, 5 minutes turned to 15 as they cooed over Briar. Then the neighbors from across the street came over. It was 40 minutes before I got back. Sean had since taken over where I left off in the kitchen.

Kind of joking I said, "Are you mad?"

"Why? Because it's our anniversary and you are spending it over on the neighbors' porch?" he said as he did something with the salad stuff.

Argh! I thought I was doing a good thing. I thought we were not taking the day too seriously. He bought me coffee, but there was no card. No flowers. I had no idea that it was to be a special night. Then it was bath time for Briar, then the process of putting her to bed and on and on.
While he was tending to Briar I put the rest of dinner together, fed the dogs and lit two candles. The fan kept stoking the flames to a height that is probably not advisable. Sean actually laughed when he came down and saw them.

I hope I didn't really hurt his feelings. I know I can be hard sometimes. I go back and forth between being totally supportive of the business, saying I can handle everything and then asking how the hell I am supposed to do it all and have anything left. I honestly think we are getting to a pretty amazing place: trusting one another to talk us down or cheer us up, relying on one another, laughing, playing, and pushing.

Thank god for this trip we are going to take. I hope that getting us out of town will take away the constant weight of supporting a new business.

Thank god for Briar too. Being parents is a lot of work, but only when you look at it after the fact. The doing is so joyous. Even when she is "jack knifing" as Sean tries to change her diaper (which I will concede makes it exceptionally challenging, especially when it is more than just pee) you have to love it. She is so feisty and engaging. More fun every day.

Well, got to go do a mailing for work and get web content done for Sean. It's hard being so busy, but it is so much better than being bored.

Nothing but blue skies. 

I was not fiddling with that carbon monoxide detector. Honest. 

Friday

Every once in a while you get to Friday and you just feel incredible, I mean little kid incredible. Remember the kind of excitement you had as a kid? A back to school shopping excursion, a new toy, a trip to the movies, sitting in the front seat. I've got that today. Partly because yesterday really felt like Friday, but more because it's just been a long week.

I wrote a super long entry on Tuesday and my computer froze. Isn't that always the way? The one time you don't save, or the one time you don't do x, y, or z because you figure just this once it won't matter, but it does. Good old Murphy's Law. Luckily it balances out with one of us demonstrating an uncanny knack for sometimes doing just the right thing and having things fall into place like some sort of Hallmark Hall of Fame Sunday night special. The entry, gone like a letter to Santa burned in the fireplace, was about me learning a huge lesson. I'm pretty proud and I think a lot of time ~gulp~ I forget that I don't know everything. God, that's hard to say.

As I think I have explained pretty clearly, we have had some ~ahem~ struggles in getting Briar to go to sleep. It has been hard for me because we have had such an incredible journey so far. Just about everything has been a breeze. We had a great labor and delivery. Breastfeeding has been just the most incredible experience. I have loved every minute of nursing Briar and watching her grow, knowing that my body produced what she needed to grow. Briar has rarely been fussy, and during the times that she has been, I have been able to soothe her easily.

One of the toughest things we've encountered had been dealing with Sean's struggle to balance the demands of his work, with his desire to be at home and spending time with his girls. In the early months it was tough because Briar didn't always respond to Sean's cradling her in his arms when she was fussy. He would pass her to me and say, "She just wants you." Looking back I can see that I didn't realize how painful this might have been for him. I was too blinded by the euphoria I was feeling at being able to care for every need that our daughter had. It had been several years since I had really enjoyed my professional life. And with Briar I finally felt like I was doing exactly what I was supposed to be doing. I gave it my all, living and breathing Briar. It is only recently that I realized how blessed I have been to have someone who didn't feel threatened or jealous by how ravenous I was for this new relationship and the role of mom. Sean never complained about me holding Briar every minute, or forgetting about us. Instead he said things like, "I love watching you with her," and "I've never seen you so happy," and "I always knew you were going to be an incredible mom."

About a week ago something happened that made me replay in my mind all the times Sean stood off to the side, while I handled whatever Briar needed at any given moment. A new era has arrived. You see, Briar has let us know that she will not go to bed for me. It does not matter what I do, how hard or for how long I try. Ferber, The Baby Whisperer, The No Cry Sleep Solution, rocker to crib, nurse to sleep than crib, singing, white noise, massage, bedtime stories...She will not go to sleep. I thought this was a phase, something we would have to survive and eventually she would grow out of it.

Then one night, Sean came home from work at about 10:15. Briar and I had been trying to go to sleep to no avail. He walked in the room and took a look at me as I collapsed on the bed and just covered my face. She had been wailing on and off for about 2 and half hours. I felt pretty well defeated. I was more than a little embarrassed to have to admit that I had been trying to get her down since before 8. I didn't want him to be frustrated, I didn't want to have to try and rationalize why she wasn't asleep. As my mind was racing trying to figure out how to resolve the situation Sean said, "Go downstairs."

"Why? No, I can't. If you get her down what am I going to do on the nights when you work late? I have to figure this out!" I said with my voice threatening to go to a whiny panic screech.

With a look of utter confidence and calm he smiled at me and said, "Let's not worry about every other night, let's just focus on tonight."

What was I going to say to that? He was totally right. The only way to describe how I felt would be to compare it to a walk on a dark night. You're all alone, in on an unfamiliar stretch of road, there are creepy sounds here and there that you can't place, you are scared and unsure of how you are going to make it from point A to B, heck, you don't even know where point B is. Enter another person. Sean walked out of the shadows, put his arm around my shoulders and said, "Let me take you home." Suddenly I wasn't alone, I wasn't failing, I just needed someone there with me. It was such an incredible moment for me, because it defined in that one sentence what marriage is all about. Sean helped me see what we needed to do to move forward and how we could do it as a team.

I walked downstairs, sat on the sofa and listened as Sean tended to Briar. He came down after about five minutes and closed the door behind him. I told him I didn't want her to be up there crying it out. He smiled at me and said she wasn't. "She's asleep." I was incredulous. How had he done it? I hadn't been able to. Then I realized that I can't do every single thing for Briar every single time she needs something. Sometimes it needs to come from someone else. It brought a lump to my throat and put an ache in my heart. Spiraling into a bit of self-pity I looked over at Sean and it hit me. That's not a bad thing. Briar came from both of us and I need to share her and the responsibility of her. It's good that she needs Sean. I need him too. We three are a wonderful team. I think we are going to learn a lot from each other. Sean and Briar, by the way, are, as I think my sister would say, "Pretty fuckin' rad people to share the journey with."

So, I am looking forward to this weekend. Tonight, as Sean puts Briar to sleep, I may just go sit on the porch, look up at the sky, and thank a star or two for my good fortune.

Like I said, litte kid excitment!

Just look at this little face! She'd only been awake for about ten minutes, you can still see the early morning puff on her face and the glassy eyes. Yet there she is, sitting and posing for her mama! Too good for words. 

Monday Morning Reds

If it's not the blues, it's the reds, right?

It is absolutely gorgeous today. It's the kind of day that would make even the least imaginative person want to escape to the park to lie beneath a big, leafy tree and stare up at the blue sky, calling out with delight the different shapes made by the wispy clouds floating by. Walking down the street you have the same bounce in your step as when you find a dollar bill on the ground, or when you have a fun something or other to look forward to. You just believe goodness exists when it's this beautiful out.

When I lived in Eugene I would walk to Amazon Park, which was about a mile from my house on Onyx Street. Amazon had a playground with a red fire truck for kids to clamber into and pretend to drive, a massive cement dinosaur that was awesome for climbing, a swimming facility with two high dives, and acre upon acre of fields of lush, green grass. Throughout the park there were magnificent weeping willows with limbs that hung so low they created little rooms. I was so enamored by the trees I used to say to my Grandma Joy that I wanted a weeping willow tree for my birthday.

Grandma Joy was the person who taught me to look at the sky. She said there are two types of people: those who see they sky and those who don't. She made me promise that I would always remember to look up at the sky and really see it. She would sit with me, one leg straight in front of her, the other up by her chest with her arm wrapped around it. She'd point out the different shapes that she saw in the clouds, calling them by both their English names and their Spanish names. She'd ask me what I saw, then look for herself and then her face would light up as she told me that she saw it too. These are the kinds of things I am looking forward to passing on to Briar.

I want Briar to have the companionship of a fearless imagination. I want her to be able to make the most of a rainy day or a cancelled play date. A bandana, a milk crate and a couple of old coffee mugs can turn into an amazing adventure if she doesn't feel limited by the need to play by the rules of reality or depend on the 'fun' of a thing. I want her to know that she can build forts and create roles to play and scenarios to act out. I want to go to the backyard and be able to hear her explaining to the dogs the game they are going to play, or why it is important for Ella to wear the strand of braided daisies around her neck and for Dean to let her tie the flowy scarf on his tail.

Today is the kind of day that makes me want to be able to take Briar for a walk to the park to show her the twinkling fairy blankets in the plants along the water, or point out the path that a hobbit might take to get from the park to his home. I want to create little stories about the flight of one of those little helicopter doodahs that falls spinning from the trees. I'd love to sit on the ground with her and play with blades of grass, trace the lines of her face with a dandelion stem, tickle her ears with a wild flower. This is a day for butterfly kisses.

Maybe I'll take her outside at lunch and we can enjoy a taste of what we'd do if we had the whole day. Tonight we can sit on the porch or take a walk. I need to remember these feelings and have the adult imagination to do these kinds of things in the little windows of time that life allows. I didn't realize how fast time would go.

Just as I was starting to feel a little overwhelmed by the reality of time a quirky parade of a turtle, a poodle and a long tailed flying dragon floated past my window.

Thank you Grandma Joy for helping me to remember to look at the sky. I love you.

Good Night Moon

A bed time story, tucking you in, kisses good night, sweet dreams.

Hogwash, I say.

A kicking legs, top of the lungs wailing, teary faced gauntlet I say.

Over three hours, yes three hours, trying to get my precious little Briar to sleep last night. Gone was the compliant, eager to please, sweet dispositioned, angel baby. No coos, no smiles, just raw, anger and indignation about sleeping in her crib. The beautiful white crib with its bright, cheery sheet, the colorful animal hanging on the rail, the fuzzy stuffed dog and its sleepy song is nothing more than a hateful prison to Briar.

She seems to be bellowing: I hate the crib! I don't wanna sleep in the crib! Mommomomomomom, I love you please, please just pick me up. Why won't you hold me? Don't you love me.

How am I supposed to do this? I am trying so hard to help her learn. I don't leave the room. I can't stand the thought of her wailing to an empty room. I stay on the bed and keep my eyes focused on something else, or I stand beside the crib and say what I imagine to be soothing things. Everything I do just seems to infuriate her more.

After an hour and a half I tried picking her up and nursing her. She's absolutely fine in my arms. She just gasps a little as her body recovers from the sobbing. She molds herself to my body for a while, but then she pushes off, starts looking around. Sleep is the furthest thing form her mind.

I put her back down and we start the process all over again. I lay her down on her side and squeeze her thing or hip gently. She takes a deep breath, fiddles with the pacifier and seems to consider sleep. Then, for no reason, I don't stop squeezing, or rubbing or whatever I am doing and she gives a quick kick of her legs and starts wailing again. She sits up, cries, stands and holds the edge of the crib and then either bonks her head or falls down on her backside because she is so sleepy. Then I lay her down again and she either fights it or does the consideration of sleep all over again. Sometimes she is still for several minutes and I recline on my bed and read.

Silence. I can imagine that maybe she will sleep, but then she goes again. It's exhausting. The last time I looked at the clock last night it was 10:57. It was quite a while before she went down. Each night, after the crib dance she will inexplicably crash. There is never a discernible trigger. I think she just ends up getting so exhausted - and perhaps bored- that she just throws in the towel.

I wish the process didn't require such suffering. The one thing I have to say about Briar is that even during the worst times, there is something that makes me so glad that she's mine. Last night in the midst of what I think I have to call a tantrum, Briar made a discovery. So there she was just screaming, I mean she was working those 9 month old pipes for all they were worth, when she started to make an "mmm" sound, most likely to make a plaintive plea for me to cradle her in my arms. "Mmmm, ahh, mmmm" and then voila, she made a bubble between her lips with all the saliva she had produced. It surprised her. She stopped and was quiet and still. She moved her lips to make the "mmm" sound again and lo, another bubble appeared. She was so proud of herself that she started making bubble after bubble.

Insert slightly guilty admission of guilt from mom: So maybe at some point during the 3 hours of trying to get Briar to sleep, I may have kind of encouraged her. Maybe (because Sean wasn't there to tell me to not laugh at her) I kind of leaned over the crib railing and showed her that I can make bubbles too. Maybe we both needed the break from the trying to go to sleep.

Kind of like those Master Card commercials.

Feeding cereal & beef with veggies to your 9 month old: 20 minutes

Bathing and putting pjs on your nine month old: 45 minutes

Getting your 9 month old to sleep: 3 hours

Making spit bubbles with your 9 month old: Priceless/Timeless

Sticky June

Still humid here. The furniture feels damp, the skin on my face feels like it did in high school for those 2 weeks that I worked at KFC, and things have gone from mildly annoying to "Oh my god would you please knock it off" annoying. Seriously though, the weather needs to change. The skies are threatening right now, the only problem is that none of the storms of the past week have done anything to diminish the oppressive humidity. I wonder if I would look good with a GI Jane type of hairstyle. My hair is a 'before' shot no matter what I do to it. Bring on the makeover to get me swiftly to an 'after' shot.

Briar is braving the weather like a champ. Despite little red spots and welts on her neck and back she is just plugging along. She was such a ham this morning flipping around on the bed. She loves rolling between us. This morning she actually turned herself so that her head was on Sean's side and her feet were on my side, we were the Magee family letter "H".

I don't have a lot of time to write, but I thought I should put something up in addition to the pictures. Not a lot of rhyme or reason to the pictures, just, well, you know - "My baby is the most adorable thing in the world! Don't you just want to see every picture I have of her?!" Seems that turning into a stereotype is inevitable. We haven't made anyone watch videos of her yet. Though I think this could be attributed to our inability to get the camcorder working. Is that even what they are called?

Anyway, I hope you (whoever might be reading this) enjoy the pictures and the little snippets of our life that I broadcast.

And this last bit for my husband:

"Sean.."

Slightly cocking my head to the side, holding one hand in front of me in a sideways peace sign, and pausing before saying with a slight lisp:

"Peace out."

My dad also listens when I do the talking. 

Sometimes my dad tells me secrets.  

Ooops, you caught me. Just sitting here eating some Cheerios. Want some? I like sharing. 

Making sure it'll hold me. Yup, it feels solid. 

Do you like carrots? I like carrots. I really, really, really like eating carrots! 

Hello there. 

New Day

Whew! A whole lot less emotional today.

Sean and I spent a whole 7.5 minutes having dinner together last night. In a moment of empty fridge and bare cupboard artistry and genius, he managed to whip together a remarkably tasty pizza. The only thing that would have improved the meal would have been a reprieve from the unrelenting humidity. Soupy is how my boss describes it. That really just makes my stomach turn, but it's kind of true. Anyway, after our relatively leisure meal (Briar was in her crib upstairs trying to work things out - mostly through tears and wailing - we ate without having to fend off her adorable hands, which sometimes make you feel like you are in one of those fight scenes from The Matrix) I went upstairs to try and get Briar to go to sleep.

She is an amazing little person with a truly irresistible personality. I think this is why we struggle so much with her sleeping patterns. We have rarely had anything to complain about with Briar: no fussing to speak of in the way of teething; no colicky baby stories; no refusal to eat or significant fear of strangers etc. Sleeping in her crib, and before that her bassinet, has always been an issue. Last night was no different. After three nights of going down without much trouble she decided she was just not going to do it. She sobbed and kicked her feet. After about 30 minutes I picked her up, cradled her in my arms and let her nurse.

Sean came up and started playing guitar. She is so fascinated with music, especially when Sean is the one making it. She stood up and held onto the guitar, alternately plucking the strings and patting the body of the guitar. Sean kept on playing and eventually she just sat and watched him. We let this go on for a while and then I gave her some hugs, kisses and night nights before setting her in her crib.

Drama. Screaming, kicking, arching her back, standing and holding the side of the crib imploring us to just let her out. I kept putting her back on her side, rubbing her feet and legs. Every so often she would have to cut short one of her cries to let loose an enormous, full body yawn. She fights and fights sleep and then BOOM, she sighs and goes down. I think we both wish we could help her get to the last step quicker. Nobody enjoys the process of getting there. For now, we'll just keep on trying to help her get there as gently and patiently as we can.

This morning Briar was once again her charming and intoxicating self. There is something about the way she grins at us in the morning, rolling back and forth to touch us, putting her hand upon our faces or necks that just shoots straight through me. I love coming back from the shower to see the two of them cuddling. This morning she was sitting up when I came back and Sean was just sitting with her. It was a nice, easy, unrushed morning. I think that helps with saying goodbye. When Dot held her at the window today it was a little easier. Sean rode into work with me and just knowing that I didn't have to drive away alone made me feel so much better.

Hopefully today will continue to be a better day!

Working Mom Monday

Mondays stink. I haven't written because everything has been going so beautifully. I have been loving my time with Briar. And Sean has been home much more to participate in just being with Briar. She loves roaming around the living room, poking her fingers in vents, touching the tv screen with her hands and face, exploring the multicolored weave of our berber carpet, playing with blocks, cruising around the coffee table, chewing the various remotes. It's awesome to watch. Of course she pauses between these many adventures to turn her face toward me or Sean and just beam at us or scrunch her face into a mix of delight and mischief. You know, to just totally ensure that she has us irrevocably wrapped around her little finger. Such a grip she has on my heart.
Which explains why this morning it took everything I had to direct my car to Dot's. Sean had left early for a meeting so it was just the girls. Briar was very clingy, which I don't mind at all. I carried her around with me as I got ready. She is fascinated by tooth paste and the whole process of brushing teeth. She never impedes the process, just watches rapt. She helped me get my coffee, sat on my lap as I ate, rubbed her hand on my leg as I put things in my bag, rested her head on my shoulder as I let the dogs in. Total cuddle bug. When it came time to put her in her car seat she arched her back and sobbed. I firmly told her no and got her buckled in. She looked up at me and put her soft little hand on my cheek and said, "mom, mom, momma."

I just wanted to stay with her. I wanted to hold her and let her climb me. I wanted to share Cheerios on the floor and play with the hose. I wanted to do anything but leave her. She sang along to the sounds of the ac on the way to Dot's. After doing the weekend debrief and letting Dot know how things had gone she put Briar on the rug in the other room with Caden. We were talking a little more, but Briar was fussing. She just wanted to be held. I wanted to do it. I wanted to hold her and soothe her, not watch with a feeling of total impotence as someone else did it. It feels so unnatural. I mean I adore Dot and I love all that she does for Briar... I want to be her round the clock mom. I want to take care of her the majority of the time and have a special sitter for time with Sean. Guess there are always going to be good and bad days.

Dot always brings her to the door to wave at me through the window. As I was stepping out she said, "Briar will be just fine." and gave her a kiss on the cheek. A huge lump blossomed in my throat making both speaking and breathing seem impossible. "It's not Briar I'm worried about. I am afraid for mom." I closed the door behind me and turned to perform my usual saying good bye to Briar antics of jumping in the air, singing and making silly faces. She looked at me with those bright blue eyes of hers and something inside of me just collapsed. I felt like throwing my head back and keening. I didn't want her to see me crying so I cooed I love you's and I'll see you soons with a grin on my face and then turned on my heel, running to the safety of the car to have my inevitable break down.

Body wracking sobs. Country song about a little girl asking questions about heaven. Pacifier in the cup holder of the car. Cheerio on the floor. Stuffed dinosaur in the backseat. Burp cloth poking out of my purse. Ya, it's going to be a crappy Monday.

Toothy Tuesday

Ok. I know I am biased, utterly incapable of objectivity, but, I must declare that Briar Davie Magee is the cutest, most engaging, and remarkable little person I have ever known. This morning while I showered Sean was in the bedroom with Briar. We bought and installed an air conditioner in our bedroom Sunday. This has made a huge difference in everyone's comfort as it has been unfairly muggy. Anyway, Briar was on the bed when I left, when I came back, Sean had arranged her head on a pillow. She had her little butt up in the air like one of the angelic little babies in the Anne Geddes photos, her lips were pushed out in an incredibly nibble worthy pout and a grin kept coming and going across her face. I stopped dead in my tracks, my heart leapt and I just felt completely stunned that this was our person. Our Briar. How is it possible that we created such a perfect, healthy, wondrous little person? What a way to start the day.
She continued to sleep until 8:35 when I had no choice but to pack her up and head over to Dot's. When we got to Dot's she still had lines from the pillow on her face. Her bright blue eyes were twinkling and she looked like she's had the kind of sleep that dreams are made of. Poor Dot is probably in for it, Briar is going to have energy to burn.

I can't wait to get back to her at lunch. The way her teeth are coming in her face changes by the hour, or so it seems. Her gums are red and she has a new tooth poking through on top, but she virtually never complains. A little fussiness at night when she has nothing to distract her from the ache, but other than that she is a saint. It's been so fun to start her on Cheerios. She loves the whole experience, from picking out the Cheerio that she wants to eat, to lifting them to her mouth (hit or miss as to whether or not they make it in her mouth, all dependent upon the stickiness of her fingers) and then the chewing. She sure loves swirling them around in her mouth, almost like she wants to give each of her new teeth an opportunity to chew.

Whoops, lost track of time. Maybe I can write a bit more tonight. Off to prepare for my 12 NEW meeting.

Cheers.

Hiya! 

2nd Sunday morning breakfast attempt

1st Sunday morning breakfast attempt

Whirlwind Weekend

We have packed so much into this weekend and we still have the rest of Sunday.

Friday night we took Briar over to the Sano House. Trent and Tara welcomed their first baby into the world 7 weeks ago. Carter is a delicious mix of both parents. Briar and Carter had us in little puddles of delight as they interacted - he cocked his head to gaze at her with a smile on his face, she kicked her feet and reached a hand out to touch him. So sweet. The six of us had a wonderful time eating Mexican takeout, swapping baby stories and just enjoying the easy rapport of two sets of new parents content to be together regardless of the interruptions for nursing sessions, diaper changes or the demands of letting the babies take center stage. After we left we went and got frozen treats at the grocery store. It has been SO hot. We had the fan going upstairs in our bedroom and Briar slept in her crib again. Yeah!

Saturday we got up early - ok, Sean got up early, Briar and I kind of lazed about in bed. He left at 8:30 for the office. Briar and I puttered around the house until Paula showed up at the house with Ben and Julia. The five of us went yard selling. Remarkably, the thrill of the hunt I usually experience when I am out shopping and seeking out bargains was completely absent as we visited the various garage sales. There was just no part of it that I found the least bit enjoyable. I felt like a cross between an identities cow in a herd of cattle and a grave robber. We kept walking past the same people as we went from yard to yard, everyone picking through the same piles of unwanted things. The owners of these things either watch you in silence or abruptly call to a family member to marvel over just how incredible the thing you are holding or looking at is, some going as far as to lament the idea of losing the stuff. Yuck! I imagine that if you find some great deals, real one of a kind things that fit your home just right it could be worth it. I just don't think I am willing to wait for that to happen.

After the yard saling (that shouldn't be allowed to be used as a verb) we dropped the car back at the house and headed to Crandall Park. It was a gorgeous day not meant to be spent in the car. I was thrilled to be out walking and Briar was grateful to be out of the carseat. About 100 yards into the park we passed a body of water, pretty stagnant water and not really a pretty sight, but Paula spotted a couple of turtles. I can say without fear of contradiction that I was the most excited about the turtles. Eventually we moved along and made a stop at the playground. It was near noon so the sun was beating down on us and the kids were getting a bit antsy. So we slowly made our way back to the house, stopping to look at flowers and coo at Briar.

Once we got home Sean and Derek came and joined us. We sat and chatted for a bit and then the Slaytons went on their way. After some discussion - read: Amanda wanted to stay and play in the garden, Sean wanted to take a roadtrip for business and pleasure. After dangling the prospect of shopping at the Manchester outlets in front of me, I played nice and the Magees packed up and headed for the Berkshires. Sean needed to take a measurement at the Berkshire Museum for exhibit signage that Trampoline is doing. After the hour and a half drive we woke the dozing Briar and carried her sweet little sweaty, summer body into the museum. The security man was a bit gruff, but it wasn't long before Briar had him eating out of the palm of her chubby little hands. After taking the measurements we headed over to WIlliamstown to try and pop in on our dear friend Deb Fehr.

After leaving a message, with Briar's help of course, on the WTF machine we dashed over to Pownal to see if Deb might be at home. Struck out again, but we left a note and felt good for having tried to stop in. I have since had Deb email me all of her information so that hopefully I can be a bit more on the ball and plan ahead. We'll see how that goes.

Then it was on to Manchester. Ah, Manchester. Outlets. Beautiful sidewalks, delicious shopping adventures. Briar snoozed as we made the trip north. She is such an amazing traveler. She babbles and sings. This trip we had her little Baby Einstein music box, which was positioned by her feet, so as she would get bored (usually right about the time Sean would decide she was asleep enough for him to listen to the radio) she would tap it with her foot, thus activating the symphonic wonders of the Baby Einstein box. It was pretty comical.

We arrived in Manchester at 5:20. Sean jogged over to a storefront to check the hours. My poor sweet husband! His shoulders slumped, he started walking slowly back to the car. "They close at six, don't they?" I asked. He nodded his head glumly. This is the moment, the moment you make the choice to either rub your dear one's face in poor planning or you live up to your end of the bargain and you turn it into a positive. We looked at each other and just said a silent, "Well then, let's make the most of the 40 minutes we have." It was perfect. Wouldn't have been better if we'd had 40 hours. We slipped into JCrew, took turns holding Briar and each picked out just enough to infuse our wardrobes with a bit of fresh cotton in fun colors.

Our drive home was so peaceful. The backroads of Vermont are so beautiful. Old farmhouses, sweet B&Bs, endless fields of wildflowers and craggy trees. The scent of lilac and fresh cut grass colored our drive and the wind whizzed in our windows. We stopped along the road and took Briar over a little footbridge- we looked at the stream and pointed out the current. She really wanted to touch the water, but she settled for running her fingertips over some of the foliage growing alongside the bridge. Then it was back in the car and on to Washington County. More fields and charming old homes as we made our way home. A quick trip to the grocery store and we were home.

We let Briar roll around on the floor since she'd spent so much of the day in her car seat. She was delighted to be on the floor and lifting herself to a standing position. I think we must look slightly off as we just sit with huge grins on our faces. It's all I can do to not just melt into a little puddle of sentimentality. She is just so amazing. I continue to be amazed by her determination. I set a block on the coffee table just out of her reach. She struggled and then managed to touch it, but pushed it further out of her reach. She looked at the block, looked at the ground, looked at the block again and then dropped back on to her bottom. I wondered what she would do. Hah. She crawled under the table and paused, I thought she might bump her head, but she started to crawl again. She went right under the table to the other side, stood up, grinned at the block that was now within her reach, and promptly took her arm and swiped the block right off the table and on to the floor where she would have no trouble grabbing it whenever she wanted.

I think the greatest lesson I have learned so far is that letting Briar learn to do things on her own is the best thing we can do for her. There have been times when I have ached to move something for her or to lift her up, but each time I have suppressed that urge I have quickly seen Briar celebrate and accomplishment. It feels incredible to know that I am able to put her need to do things on her own, before my need to feel like I can give her or do anything for her.

Sunday morning. Maybe another gift I can give Briar is to never cook breakfast for her. We'll just let the photos do the talking.

After the breakfast failure, which I spun to be a diet aid- so much better to have shared a bagel then to have each had one, right? We spent the day in the yard. I was on a mission to destroy the army of grubs that have stubbornly taken up residence in our yard. Yuck, yuck, yuck.
More later.

Giving Thursday a 2nd Chance

Ok, so I called Sean and had him meet me on the street so I could get a much needed hug. He made me promise to go home and change my mood altering pants. As I was driving home I saw yet another woman out with a beautiful baby in a stroller, but it wasn't the stroller that caught my eye. She had her little beagle tethered to the stroller and his odd bouncing made me look twice. I thought maybe his leash was tangled since he was really bobbing and weaving in the oddest fashion. When I got closer and could see his beaming face I noticed that he had three legs. So this dog, this little beagle out for a jog and missing a leg was so damn happy it made me take stock: I am not missing any limbs, and in fact I am pretty lucky in that I have really long limbs. If I had short, stubby legs I wouldn't have pants that were too short, but that's fixable, short stubby legs, or a missing leg are pretty permanent. Off with the short pants, on with the fun, baby blue skirt.
Just wanted to let it be known that I am giving Thursday a second chance, going to Briar in a much better mood, and most of all, being thankful that I have both of my long legs.

Proud Mama 

Waiting for Friday

Today was one of those mornings when I woke up wishing I could just be a mom and wife. I would have given my eye teeth to just pull on a pair of capris and tank top, slap a Red Sox cap on my head, and to have spent the day puttering around the house and playing with Briar. We would have played on the porch, talked to the rustling leaves on the tree out front, gotten the hose out to water the lawn, and Briar would have fluttered her fingers in front of the stream of water and kicked her feet as we were hit by the spray. Maybe around noon we would have put together a sandwich or something for Sean and then headed down to his office in the jogging stroller. We would have sat outside with Sean as he ate his lunch and cooed at his little carbon copy daughter. Instead I am trying desperately to care even the tiniest bit about anything at work. Just not feeling it. We are both so tired. Sean has been pulling really long hours and the business is experiencing the growing pains of work flow versus manpower - time to hire, but it's a huge, terrifying leap. I am going to see Briar in about an hour. I am going to try and get re-energized so that the day doesn't drag quite so much.

The three of us will go out with the dogs tonight and get a run in as well as some chin ups at the park. That will cheer me up. Briar loves sitting in the stroller and watching the dogs run ahead of her. She sings and waves her arms, that is until the rhythm of the road lulls her to sleep.

It's weird, I do have a sense of pride when we are out on our runs. I am proud of the fact that I work and have this wonderful family. Some days it's incredible because I do my thing at work and feel challenged and valued, while also getting to take part in helping Sean's business to succeed. It makes me feel like a great mom knowing that I will be able to pass on to her the value of accomplishing things and being a part of the community. However, that doesn't diminish the envy I have for the women who are devoting their lives to raising their kids. Seeing the play dates at the park takes me back to the schoolyard in elementary school and longing to be accepted by the group of girls playing together. Oh how it hurt to have them snub me time and again. Looking back now, I understand that I was having a good time being a tomboy and playing with the boys and that I probably would have been bored with the girls. Sigh. I wish I could have a combination of the two- work one week, spend the next week as a full time mom, and just keep alternating. I still have high hopes that in the next year or two we can have another baby and I will be able to spend time at home with Briar and her little brother or sister.

I am definitely erring on the side of maudlin today, so I am going to go do something. Motion and action chase the blues away! So, away I go.

Bagel and sunshine on the porch 

Looking at you 

Briar and me 

Briar in June

Wednesday, June 1st. Briar is coming into her ninth month. I have been wanting to document this time, but have been failing at getting things down in a journal or keeping up with her calendar of first year achievements. I am usually inclined to write something down when I see her doing something, but then as I go to write I realize that it is taking me away from her. So much for being able to be supermom.

It was a single parent morning as Sean had an early morning meeting. He had worked until past midnight last night so our dogs, Dean and Ella were conked out at the top of the stairs. I abused the snooze button for a healthy thirty minutes as I relished sleeping face to face with Briar. She must have been hot in the night as her hair had that post sweat fuzziness to it. The staticky top forty tunes coming from our ancient alarm clock finally forced me to get up. Briar slept late as I showered and then snuck downstairs to make coffee and do the dishes. When I went back upstairs to wake Briar I was struck by the look on her face. How do babies manage to clear away everything? She just beamed at me and those sapphire blue eyes of her made me feel as if today was the first day of my life with nothing but promise and sunshine waiting outside the door. The way she smiles at me literally makes me weep or laugh out loud depending on the day.

Last night was her second night sleeping in the crib. A few months back she went on crib strike, not that she had ever really enjoyed crib sleeping. In her defense, why on earth would she give up sleeping next to a warm body with an ever available supply of milk? Anyway, as her teeth started coming in she wanted to nurse throughout the night, so the crib sleeping just was not happening. She seems to be getting the hang of it. She wakes up after a few hours and I let her back in bed with us. We had tried a few weeks ago and Briar, being the smart little thing that she is, determined that when we didn't take her out of the crib as quickly as she wanted (we tried letting her cry for about 10 minutes) she would go ahead and make herself. Very effective indeed. I went online to see if this was common. Yup. Babies can and will make themselves vomit if it serves their purpose. A woman on one of the bulletin boards at a baby site suggested letting the baby sleep in its own vomit to cure him/her of the habit. I did not even have to respond. So many readers jumped all over this. I try to be pretty understanding or accepting of different parenting approaches, but that was too much.

I have found that in the last month I have really loosened up. I am not taking the parenting books as law anymore. What is actually working for us is taking our cues from Briar. She lets us know what she is ready for in the way of food and physical activity. I am so proud of myself for not doing things for her. Don't get me wrong, I love doing things with her, but I let her crawl to things she wants, or climb to a standing position or work out how to do things. She is so daring and determined. Last night she was trying to stand using a stool as a ladder of sorts. She fell (she has perfected the sweetest little maneuver of spreading her legs and leaning forward so she lands on her little backside!) and as she hit she did her little growl and cry, but she kept at it. She never once beckoned to me for help. And then when she was up, oh the joy on her face. Just like Friday night when she stood in her crib for the first time. The look on her face - smug, gleeful, excited, joyous!